Weak?

Well to be honest this has been a very tough week and a half. I feel like I am going kind of crazy.. Drugs really mess you up pretty badly.. My mood swings are just crazy, I am indecisive about everything and I feel alone ( although I know I am not). My heart also feels like it was broken and taken into a few different directions. People I thought I knew I found out I didn't know at all and it hurt :( You know I just have a hard time not blaming myself for a few things right now.. I feel like I turned my back on a few different people at the same time as feeling like the turned their backs on me. I was also blamed for things that weren't true and was not aloud to have a voice when it came to defending myself. I also met a very lovely young man.. everything about him seemed perfect, I don't allow myself to get very close to guy's for plenty of good reasons and I slipped up. I was so naive to let somebody in again I told him things about my life that not many people know and got close but guess what I was wrong about that to. All these different things are going on at once .. and I have no idea why.. I have put so much effort into making others happy I forgot what made me happy, it has started to just drain the life from me. So I am letting all of this go now.. I don't want to.. but I have to.. I have no strength left right now I am just going to hide for awhile...

hmm?

Well Here is a big question for myself what comes next? I am starting to get my head back on straight.. and I have no idea what happens next. It is weird to feel again and to be honest I don't like it... I prefer to be numb. But going through this is what needs to happen and perhaps blogging is a good way to get it off my chest lol. See I moved into some close friends of mine to escape the real world and gain some peace of mind, and it is working I just am at a loss of what I should be doing now? I used to be way more ambitious and had so many dreams but lost it all for awhile, and this is where I hit the brick wall because I am trying to rebuild it all at once.*Sigh* alas the good things in life take patience and time. This new neighborhood is both scary and unfamiliar but when I am in my house I feel a peace that passes over my body telling me I will be fine. I am also quite lucky to have a new roommate that has been through the exact same thing just under different circumstances. It's also nice to have somebody to relate to. I Really am not sure what I am feeling lately because I am so indecisive about everything, I can't even decide what I want to wear in the morning, thank god I have to wear a uniform for work! I have come to realize right at the moment there is only one daily routine... wake up go to work come home and repeat the same thing over again.. where in my head does that seem satisfying at all? There is so much more to life to seize and accomplish? but once again this is where I get stuck in the mudd.. I am going to be turning twenty next year and I am at a job that will take me no where in life... I am striving for something more, something bigger... but once again ... no clue? I have always had this growing feeling inside of me .. it's not something I can quite explain either, just a feeling that one day I will change lives and make a difference.. right now it' all I am holding on to .. lame huh? a feeling.. But I can't escape this feeling it dwells with in.. waiting. I just feel like someone is screaming and trapped inside of me and I am the only one that knows how to free them but I can't because I don't know how? haha once again makes no sense really it's mostly just frustrating trying to figure out what comes next in my life from this point, I need something more. Right now I am kind of just in my own little world.

What now?

Well I suppose I haven't been on here in awhile and it is time for a post.. So many things have been going on this last while and in reality it is hard to find the right place to begin. I have come to realize many things in the last while about life in general.. This last week and a half I felt like I lost everything but didn't realize how much I have actually gained. I was living a lie. I was in to some very heavy things for awhile and lost sight of who I was as a person, and I am slowly coming back out of the haze, as I like to call it. I am only nineteen but I have seen so much these last few years, some things I wouldn't change but others I would have done very differently now if I could go back in time. Why is it I am only coming to understand the advice my parents gave me when I was younger now? As Human beings we are so fragile.. we come come from the dust.. we like to choose things the hard way. I have always liked to choose the hard way lol you should ask my mother. The reason This last week and a half has been so hard is because I chose to do what was right for once instead of what I wanted, I chose to be selfless instead of being selfish. I was into some very hard drugs for awhile with many of my friends and it messed my head right up .. there was a three day period where the serotonin levels in my brain were so low that I felt absolutely no emotion. Now when I say no emotion I mean no happiness.. no anger.. no sadness.. you are there but not there.. It took this to realize how somebody I loved, felt for a long time. I finally understood because I knew if I couldn't live like this forever which meant that, that person wouldn't be able to either.. especially if they had been feeling that way even longer then I had. I was sitting on the front doorstep of my friends house talking with my best friend one night and I told her I was finished and that I needed help. She always has a way of understanding me and I see god speak through her so much. So that was the night I decided that my life needed change.. I went in and spoke with the person I love and told them that this was it .. I was not coming back sadly they had heard that so many times they didn't believe me. I walked downstairs and told my friends I loved them .. gave them each a hug and with a breaking heart I left knowing this time was different. I went home that night and spoke to the lady I was living with and spilled my guts and everything that I had done.. I told them that somebody I deeply care for was in trouble and right after that she called that person and told her she was welcome in her house. One of my roomates stole them that night with out my knowledge.. I woke up in the morning to a call from one of my friends.. a very confusing call .. because there were so many misunderstandings and I didn't handle it the way I should have. I was so angry I went to get mad at my friend in his room but I walked in and the person and I had feared for was sleeping in the bed.. I almost fell down out of shock.. But relief took over and I just sat there. The worst came after that I lost so many people I loved because they thought they lost some friends as well.. I never thought my actions would lead to some things that happened but I had no voice.. and no matter what I said the truth really didn't matter.. because they wouldn't believe me. I have never lied to any of these people I have no reason to. But it hurt because I had gotten to know some of them so well over the last while.. and learn things about them .. I know I hurt them to which is why it hurts so badly because it's not what they deserve .. there is one guy especially that I really held close to my heart because he has gone through so much and he somehow always ends up looking bad.. He really is a good person .. all of them are.. I was told I was a freak on drugs and guess what I always was.. and that is why I wanted out so badly. But this tiem it wasn't about what I wanted it was about what was good for somebody.. I found out how right I was the other day and it made all the difference in the world to me. I have no strength to care anymore about what others think of me.. For once I only care about doing what is right.. maybe one day I will be able to make amends with those people.. but for now I am scared but things are coming together.. I just have to figure out where to go from here.. I am just done with everything.. I choose life.

Hello there

Well I suppose it has taken me quite awhile to finally get a blog which my mother has been trying to convince me to get for quite sometime (cough* cough* hope your happy mom) .. So here I am just another blogger.. hmm but what to discuss.. so many things well to start off I suppose I will let you know how my day has gone so far. It has been a lovely day off ( I don't usually get many) and I started it off by going for coffee with one of my old friends Jay we discussed a lot of important issues that most people prefer to sweep under the rug.. it was pretty nice to get out and relax over a nice cup of coffee (more like 50 cups, I got the shakes after awhile, and still feelin it) I guess life has been pretty confusing lately and no it's not puberty .. I am mostly trying to figure out what I am doing with my life, I just recently got a job at Boston Pizza as a waitress and am finishing off my time at Walmart where I hate to leave, because I love both the customers as well as the staff. I also am in muay thai kickboxing and it has been amazing so far ... but somehow I feel something in my life is missing. I have always felt something big inside that has been growing since I was a child .. Don't get me wrong I am still very young but it has gotten bigger and is still growing, we are all meant for something great in life .. I just haven't found where my place in this world is.. Ughhhh*** University ... people put my generation into a box these days and give us few options in which our minds can grow and expand. Firstly they say "Finish high school, go to University and get that ONE job that you will have for the rest of your life" ... WELL PEOPLE you don't only have to do one thing .. today my generation doesn't know what the hell we are doing because of that. Well I have so many dreams and ambitions that I will accomplish one day and I am not going to be one of the people shut up into a small box with few options.. In my personal opinion if I have a dream no one is going to get in my wayit , I am just going to set my eyes on the road a head and let no one steal steal my dreams.. If they try it will have to be by force and it just might take an army ;). Anyways now that I am finished that rant I am looking after my little brother and sister now. They have got to be some of the cutest kids I know ... I am having dinner with my family tonight and it is nice because I don't get to see them as much as I would usually like to, they are always full of suprises filled with both tears and giggles (and well .. occasionally a poopy diaper*) did I mention that they are fairly young compared to me. Anyways my little brother Jeremy keeps asking me to play with him and Mr.Potatohead.. So I think it's time to head out guys..

P.S. Hope your happy I finally got one of these things mom...