What now?

Well I suppose I haven't been on here in awhile and it is time for a post.. So many things have been going on this last while and in reality it is hard to find the right place to begin. I have come to realize many things in the last while about life in general.. This last week and a half I felt like I lost everything but didn't realize how much I have actually gained. I was living a lie. I was in to some very heavy things for awhile and lost sight of who I was as a person, and I am slowly coming back out of the haze, as I like to call it. I am only nineteen but I have seen so much these last few years, some things I wouldn't change but others I would have done very differently now if I could go back in time. Why is it I am only coming to understand the advice my parents gave me when I was younger now? As Human beings we are so fragile.. we come come from the dust.. we like to choose things the hard way. I have always liked to choose the hard way lol you should ask my mother. The reason This last week and a half has been so hard is because I chose to do what was right for once instead of what I wanted, I chose to be selfless instead of being selfish. I was into some very hard drugs for awhile with many of my friends and it messed my head right up .. there was a three day period where the serotonin levels in my brain were so low that I felt absolutely no emotion. Now when I say no emotion I mean no happiness.. no anger.. no sadness.. you are there but not there.. It took this to realize how somebody I loved, felt for a long time. I finally understood because I knew if I couldn't live like this forever which meant that, that person wouldn't be able to either.. especially if they had been feeling that way even longer then I had. I was sitting on the front doorstep of my friends house talking with my best friend one night and I told her I was finished and that I needed help. She always has a way of understanding me and I see god speak through her so much. So that was the night I decided that my life needed change.. I went in and spoke with the person I love and told them that this was it .. I was not coming back sadly they had heard that so many times they didn't believe me. I walked downstairs and told my friends I loved them .. gave them each a hug and with a breaking heart I left knowing this time was different. I went home that night and spoke to the lady I was living with and spilled my guts and everything that I had done.. I told them that somebody I deeply care for was in trouble and right after that she called that person and told her she was welcome in her house. One of my roomates stole them that night with out my knowledge.. I woke up in the morning to a call from one of my friends.. a very confusing call .. because there were so many misunderstandings and I didn't handle it the way I should have. I was so angry I went to get mad at my friend in his room but I walked in and the person and I had feared for was sleeping in the bed.. I almost fell down out of shock.. But relief took over and I just sat there. The worst came after that I lost so many people I loved because they thought they lost some friends as well.. I never thought my actions would lead to some things that happened but I had no voice.. and no matter what I said the truth really didn't matter.. because they wouldn't believe me. I have never lied to any of these people I have no reason to. But it hurt because I had gotten to know some of them so well over the last while.. and learn things about them .. I know I hurt them to which is why it hurts so badly because it's not what they deserve .. there is one guy especially that I really held close to my heart because he has gone through so much and he somehow always ends up looking bad.. He really is a good person .. all of them are.. I was told I was a freak on drugs and guess what I always was.. and that is why I wanted out so badly. But this tiem it wasn't about what I wanted it was about what was good for somebody.. I found out how right I was the other day and it made all the difference in the world to me. I have no strength to care anymore about what others think of me.. For once I only care about doing what is right.. maybe one day I will be able to make amends with those people.. but for now I am scared but things are coming together.. I just have to figure out where to go from here.. I am just done with everything.. I choose life.